Monsters, ghosts, and aliens: oh, my. Truth-seekers Fox Mulder and Dana Scully have returned to television for a special six-episode reprise of the classic series X-Files, and you don’t need us to tell you that a lot has changed since we left our heroes at the conclusion of the show’s ninth season in 2002. With all the world’s knowledge available at our fingertips, we can’t help but wonder whether the agents’ jobs might be easier with, like, smart phones.
In the interest of keeping our favorite paranormal crimefighters up to date with the latest and greatest gadgets to use on their cases, we’ve dug into the types of gadgets that they should be bringing with them on their new conspiracy-riddled adventures in present day 2016, the year of our Lord.
We know from the lackluster Season 6 premiere, that our agents have adopted smartphones, which is perhaps the most obvious update of all. It’s a video camera for capturing proof of otherworldly events. It’s a voice recorder for interviewing suspects. It’s a GPS for getting out of the forest. And having one of these on a reliable service plan means never having to look for a payphone, like it’s 1993 or something.
Plus: Candy Crush.
An electromagnetic field detector.
Where there are wild EMF fluctuations, goes the paranoiac thinking, there are ghosts and aliens afoot. You could certainly spring for a dedicated EMF detection device, or you could install this free iPhone app.
A thermal camera.
How else are our heroes going to detect invisible shapes moving through the cover of darkness, be they human, beast, or otherwise? Thermal camera technology can now fit in your hand, or better yet, it works in conjunction with the smartphone that you already have. Consider the FLIR ONE personal thermal camera, which is merely an accessory for your iPhone that lets you see in the dark, like the monster-hunting federal agent that you are.
A motion detector.
We get it — people are out to get you. Confirm your worst fears and maintain your readiness with a motion sensor like this one by Skylink, which will alert you to any motion it detects with a series of high-pitched beeps.
A laser grid scope.
This is a device that works like a bunch of laser pointers all wrapped up into one, projecting a matrix of laser dots over whatever you point it at. If there’s something spooky lurking within its range, it will cause an irregularity in the dots, betraying the location of any ghosts or sheet-wearing children.
Like a Republican wet dream, a company called Silver Bullet Bullion manufactures real ammunition out of real silver. It’s the ultimate investment in a future you don’t want to live in, where you pay for food with the same item you use to kill zombies.
Also good for making short work of werewolves.
A 22-caliber Glock.
It’s the standard-issue weapon for all special agents in the Federal Bureau of Investigation, perfect for taking down perps and little green aliens alike. This is, of course, the same weapon the agents would have used back in the day. Sometimes the classics never go out of style.