Pure sugar is better than sticky caramel, and dark chocolate is always a winner. Here are a few tips for happy, healthy Halloween teeth.
Since it’s never too early to prepare for Halloween, let us elevate our glucose, expand our bellies and rot our teeth faster than the Headless Horseman’s pursuit of Ichabod Crane.
Meaning I’ve just completed my 2017 candy rounds.
Trust your Uncle Dentures: There’s enough refined sugar on Knoxville store shelves to demolish an underground bunker of reinforced enamel. Or, as someone who casts a broad shadow might describe this caloric situation: “It’s uuuuge, bigly!”
Some of these offerings are labeled “new,” leading me to think a manufacturing revolution has occurred in the confectionery biz.
Not necessarily. Apparently “new” simply means a change in the shape of a treat, not its ingredients.
Thus, “new” Reese’s bats and eyeballs are standard Reese’s cups that resemble flying rodents and peepers, respectively. And “new” Butterfinger skulls are standard Butterfingers transformed into shrunken heads. And “new” Sweet Tart skulls and bones are standard tongue-puckerers that don’t look like antacid pills. Ad infinitum.
What does appear new is the “spooky red nougat” inside Mars’ Halloween 3 Musketeers. I suppose this simulates blood.
Not exactly what one expects with chocolate — unless there’s been such massive ingestion that the gums already are bleeding. Or perhaps Mars is shooting for a holiday two-fer: Halloween “spooky red,” Valentine’s “lovebird red.”
Speaking of blended holidays, Cadbury Harvest Mixes of “solid milk chocolates with a crisp sugar shell” look amazingly like Cadbury Easter eggs.
Another Easter regular making the Halloween scene are Peeps. Except they aren’t those sticky sweet yellow chickens; they’re sticky sweet ghosts, spooky cats, pumpkins, green monsters and candy apples.
Yuck. As I have oft-opined in this column, Peeps give me the creeps.
Nonetheless, I’d rather coat my choppers with honest-to-Halloween sweets than some frou-frou New Age alternative.
Can you believe organic fruit chews and lollipops (Black Forest), organic gummy bats and jack-o’-lanterns (Yum Earth) and “garden veggie” ghost and bat chips (Sensible Portions) have tainted the sanctity of childhood gluttony?
Yet that heresy pales in comparison to the radicalization of candy corn. It pains me to see All-American, yellow-and-orange, sugar-and-corn syrup candy corn bastardized in flavors like green apple, apple pie and s’mores.
And don’t get me started on the corruption of youth from Spiderman tongue-tattoo lollipops.
Oh, that Halloween could be great again!
Sam Venable’s column appears Sunday and Tuesday. Contact him at email@example.com.