If we took a holiday / Took some time to celebrate / Just one day out of life / It would be / It would be so nice. Thus quoth Madonna, a woman whose standards for holidays, it is safe to say, are somewhat higher than in those innocent days, probably encompassing at least a small country devoted to her personal security, several children from the developing world for spiritual moments, two yogis to remind her of the importance of losing one’s ego, and a 24-hour documentary-maker to help her find it again.
In the world of celebrity, holidays are a lot longer than one day, and they mean more than mere celebration. They are a statement of who you are, and the best way to establish that is via the medium of another person. Two years ago, we had the Instagram diary of Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift’s road trip, which was Swiftie’s way of saying at the time: “See? I’m way more than just a country singer for 14-year-old girls. I’m cool, with a model BFF who poses for quasi-sapphic photos with me – edgy!” Kloss, meanwhile, got to make her name as “the model who’s friends with Taylor”, which was a step up from her previous name outside fashion obsessives, “Who?”
Last year, we had Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence’s beach holiday, in which Lawrence gave Schumer some A-list shimmer and Schumer reciprocated by telling every interviewer what an amazing, wonderful, perfect, thin, gorgeous – but also, like, totally normal – goddess Lawrence is. This was followed by Rihanna and Cara Delevingne on a boat, in which the Barbadian singer and the Chelsea model both appeared to be too stoned to give each other anything than another toke.
Now, Lost in Showbiz is humbled to unveil summer 2016’s female buddy holiday duo: Kate Moss and Fergie. Not Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, known for ever as the woman who once wet herself on stage. That holiday pairing would totally make sense. No, Kate Moss and Sarah Ferguson, Prince Andrew’s ex-wife. Water really seeks its own level, doesn’t it, readers?
As I write, Moss is currently sailing around Greece with Fergie, and while I would describe this as a classic celebrity-in-a-hostage situation, I’m honestly not sure who the hostage would be. Photos that have emerged so far show that they are the guests of David Tang, a random rich person, who appears to make his guests wear all white, confirming LiS’s suspicion that what we are seeing is not a holiday, but the incipience of a cult. This member of LiS has never been on Mr Tang’s boat (white doesn’t suit the semitic complexion), but I did meet him four years ago at a debate at Cambridge Union in which his observations, such as, “I rather like the fact that beautiful women are thinner, rather than fat”, went down surprisingly badly with the students. Ah, young people – they just don’t appreciate wit, do they, David?
So what, dear readers, are we to make of Moss and Fergie’s holiday? The tabloids have suggested that ACTUALLY these women have loads in common, such as their trouble with the tabloids. By that measure, Mossie could go on holiday with Gazza; those are some Instagram shots LiS would very much like to see.
No, the real lesson to take from this is that, if you spend your life sucking up to awful rich people, you are going to end up hanging out with some absolute shockers, because the only thing worse than awful rich people are people who suck up to them. Both Fergie and Moss are chronic suckers-up to the wealthy, to the point that Moss – as discussed earlier this week – refers to Philip “The Penguin” Green as “Uncle Phil”, while Fergie managed to go even lower by marrying into the royal flipping family.
Fergie, I can understand here. What we shall delicately refer to as her “money issues” are well known. She has been caught offering access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, which proved how hard-up she was, because only the truly desperate would believe anyone would pay £500,000 to meet Andrew, the Gob Bluth of the Windsor family. And yet, her whole life has taught her to believe she deserves to turn left on the aeroplane. So, as I say, I get it. She is a sofa-surfer, as long as the sofas cost more than £15,000.
But Mossie? I think it’s time to stage an intervention. According to my hot underground contacts (AKA Google), you have more than £55m. So why the hell you need to go on holiday with gross people such David Tang and Philip Green, pouting in photos with their respective daughters, spending August with Sarah Ferguson, for God’s sake, is beyond me. No freebie on this green earth is worth that, especially when you don’t even need it. For God’s sake, Kate: hire an island, invite your real friends and enjoy yourself. Be better than this.
Alas, I suspect this intervention will come to naught. So, LiS is comforting itself by imagining Fergie and Mossie teaming up, Thelma and Louise-style, to break out of this gilded cage in which they have imprisoned themselves. I imagine them finally realising as one that these rich people are literally the worst, and jumping over the side of Tang’s boat, holding one another’s hands, for the Instagram shot. “See ya, basic bitches!” shouts Moss, swimming for shore. Vive la revolution!